Anderson Cooper, Son of Gloria Vanderbilt Attacked
Look, Egypt, it's clear you are angry. But now you have really pissed us off. You hit Anderson Cooper, according to reports, about ten times in the head. It's not just Cooper we are worried about, but also that young MSNBC reporter Richard Engel. Engel is always in the middle of some horrific scene with his bullet proof hat on. Engel always speaks eloquently despite what is going on around him. Engel is younger than Cooper and I am pretty sure his makeup team has been covering up the dark circles under his eyes with heavy makeup. He's been reporting nearly non-stop since the mayhem started. We respect both of these reporters for the hard work they do in war zones.
Cooper doesn't even have to be a reporter in a war zone. Look at that mother of his. I mean, does the son of Gloria Vanderbilt even need to work? After touring her mansion in North Carolina when I seventeen, I think not. I tried to hide out in the basement where the large swimming pool is, but security strong armed me and threw me out onto the lawn and back to my parents who sighed and said, "Christ! Now that's she's been found, we have to send her to college to get rid of her!"
Egypt, calm the heck down. Don't tie up reporters and while you're at it, leave that poor 76-year-old retired Egyptian historian who is trapped in her apartment because you won't disperse from outside her door alone. She said she will hit any intruder on the head with her rolling pin. If you think she's kidding, you have never worked with the elderly. They are quite dangerous with their scooters and walkers. Also, if those elders act all nice and offer you a baked cookie with milk or something, don't think for one second it's not laced with something to knock you out permanently. -Alison Whiteman