Monday, July 25, 2011

Mistakes I Have Made But Survived

1. Listening to people tell you tales of woe should not go on for five consecutive years. This is particularly bad if this person is your neighbor. Cut that person off early. Just do it.

2. When you tell your date you are half English and he says he sends money to the Irish Republican Army via a group in Boston, do not go on a second date with him. He was not joking either. Freak.

3. If anyone offers you a cure for anything that requires you to pay them and it is not scientifically proven, just leave the area. Before you leave though, tell this person you have no money at all just so they never try to victimize you again.

4. When someone tells you your cane does not appear to be necessary because you don't look sick, just thank the person and smile. Then leave the area. You don't have to explain and trust me, you don't want to explain.

5. Never trust any employer's offers unless you get it in writing. Oh this is such an error for the young new worker.

6. Remember that no matter who you are, the daughter of the man you are with will hate you. She will hate you because she hates herself and everyone in the entire world because she is a teenage girl who has suffered her parents divorce. Under no circumstances take this personally. Pretend she is dead. Sometimes you might just hope she really is. Don't hold that against yourself, just keep living your own life and if she does die, remember you are not God. She is not dead because of you.

7. Do not date anyone who has changed religions about five times. This person is completely unstable. A change or two is okay, but five indicates some serious issues that cannot be solved.

8. Never date anyone who just blames the other person entirely for the end of a marriage, relationship or anything. Eventually this person will blame you for anything she or he can think of. Look for people who take responsibility for their choices.

9. Remember to water your plants.

10. Clean is okay, but injuring yourself trying to be too clean is just pathetic. Stop that right now.

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