Thursday, July 14, 2011

My Visit To The AARP Travelling Medical RV

Dear readers:

A fine group of young people are touring this nation in van sponsored by the AARP and Walgreens. By the way, Walgreens offers full time employees full benefits. So check them out if you are unemployed.

These are my personal results of the tests performed on me today:

Blood Pressure: 126/76 (That's pretty good considering leaving my house in my car in east Tacoma frequently scares the crap out of me for reasons that are truly not based in baseless fear)

Glucose: 93 (A little low considering I had just eaten half an entire sandwich, but perhaps I needed to eat a Reeses as well, which is what I did right after the test)

Cholesterol: 143 (Less than 200 is good, and this is mainly because I cannot afford to eat steaks)

Bone Density: -0.4 (Oops. Despite not having children, I am in Osteopenia which means I am on my way to Osteoporois. However, I don't drink milk as it makes me break out in hives. So I just need to get some calcium that absorbs, because trust me, most over the counter calcium pills just shoot right through you with no benefits)

Body Mass Index: 21.9 (The goal is apparently 23.0 - 33.9 so I am below the goal? Oh come on now!)

Body Composition: Well, despite my being below the Body Mass Index, I am two percent above the recommended amount of body fat. I am told to lose the fat and gain muscle. Okay. Sure. I will work on this while also trying to gain more weight. No problem. Any suggestions that do not include having to pay for a gym membership since I cannot afford one? Perhaps I could try to lift my car daily to build up my biceps?)

Vitamin D? Damn! I take 25,000mg of this daily because I have MS. And I never test toxic for it either. Now, I am not suggesting that anyone do this, so don't sue me. Besides, I have nothing to sue for, so just forget that fruitless pursuit.

I am not telling you what my waist measurement was. I just know that to achieve that body fat goal, perhaps I could take the fat and move it around and look a bit like a brunette Barbie Doll with curly hair. Oh, like that would sell. The company that made wheelchair user Becky had to take her off the market because people found her "offensive." Yes, they did. Twenty-one years after the Americans With Disabilities Act passed, I think people still find the disabled "offensive." Well, I personally find people who find people with disabilities "offensive" to be either stupid or "offensive" themselves. So there.

Thank you mobile AARP van. I look forward to receiving mail daily from you now since I love recycling. No seriously, these young adults are trying to make a difference and that's great. Prevention is the best cure! -Alison Whiteman

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