Monday, September 5, 2011
The Night We Nearly Got Squished On The Bridge Post, 1990
First, I should confess I was dating a man seventeen years my senior. I commend my oldest brother for not flying out here and beating the crap out of the man because honestly, he deserved it. Mike, my oldest bro probably would have at least threatened to do this had he not been living in Denver. My parents were allowing me to make my own mistake and my other brother, well, I never want to talk to him again. He just called me a filthy name instead of thinking about protecting me. Quite frankly, the rest of the family ought to beat the crap out of my other brother, but we don't. He certainly deserves it the piece of shit.
The point of this story is this. The current under the Tacoma Narrows Bridge is very strong. Good sailors and motor boaters have no problem getting under it. The former need a solid wind, the latter a good motor. Sailors without a strong wind need a damn good motor. Our motor quit on us. That's right, our motor quit. You know what happens when your motor quits in a strong current and you are heading to a large post? You're about to die! However, I was young, about twenty-three, and obviously stupid to be dating a man who was forty, and I thought I could just push the boat away from the post.
The man, a lawyer of course, because so many of them are just effing idiots, began yanking furiously on the starter and screaming, "Jesus Fu---ing Cr--st!!!!" He said this numerous times and just before we hit the post, the motor started almost as if Jesus himself heard him and forgave him or was protecting me since he nearly qualified as a sex offender to be dating me. Neither one of us died that night. Unfortunately he did live and I only say this because now he reportedly dates a woman ten years younger than I am. I mean, how young can this man go? Does he card his dates? "Let me see your identification, please. Oh, You are eighteen. Good."
I have said so many offensive things in this blog I just don't know what to say. Sue me, Mr. no longer licensed lawyer. I have no assetts. Sue me asshole estranged brother of mine, I have no assetts. Furthermore, the likelihood of him reading this is so slim it would be like finding an ice sculpture in hell. The lawyer dumped be likely because I turned twenty-five I presume. I was going to graduate school to be a teacher so he decided to see if he could get into the same school the same year as me. He did not get admitted. He went somewhere else, thank God. The best thing that ever could have happened that he just moved on to other young victims though I do feel sorry for them. Those crafty lawyers and their crafty large words and lying ways. I could tell lawyer jokes here because just last year a complete stranger and I had a lawyer joke smack down. It was hilarious. There was no clear winner. -Alison Whiteman
Posted by Unknown at 6:23 PM