Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My day yesterday was like an episode of "30 Rock"

Tina Fey, the most hysterical comedian we have.


My entire day yesterday was like an episode of your extremely clever show "30 Rock." However, because I am delusional enough to think I might be capable of being as funny as you, I am going to start a Kindle book.

I don't know how to publish on Kindle, but my friend Ron does. If multiple people have been telling me I am hilarious since grade school, it might be true.

I also have a scar on my face. My English mum left me in the sun for maybe five minutes in Colorado when I was but a mere infant. Like many who visit Colorado, learning that the sun is very close to the earth there, lots of people end up in the emergency room. I would suggest reading travel guides online, Kindle or whatever was previoulsy published prior to this increasing age of digital stuff stumping luddites globally.

Some people do not appreciate my sense of humor. One or two people quite too near to me relatively speaking, find me obnoxious. They are lawyers. Being a lawyer is a shame, don't you think? There are enough lawyers in one building in Seattle than all of Japan. I do think this is why Japan is beating the crap out of us economically. We, as a nation, are too dumb to realize lawyers do not generate revenue, they suck it out of us in so many ways.

When I go for a walk I almost have to sign a waiver. It's absurd, Tina. By the way, I like using your name and picture on my blog because it gets a lot of hits. My blog is not important, you are. Lawyers aren't important either, but they sure think they are. Many teachers now have better incomes than lawyers. You'd think they'd get a clue, but they are often not that bright to be honest. -AW

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Birth Control, Choice And The Rights Of Women

You keep trying to deny our hard fought rights as women, and this is what we will do to you, sincerely, us.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

This is an Aura, and You Warped it: part deux

This is a man. This is not my aura.


Physicists have proven there is an energy field around everything from rocks to plants to people.

Now, you and you and you and you, back out of my aura.

Okay, I am mostly just joshin'. I was told many years ago I am responsible for my own aura.

Me no likely being a grown up sometimes. -AW

Monday, February 20, 2012

How I Almost Burned The Dorm Down

Halogen lights cause fires!
What on earth is it about young women and men who break their hearts? If a woman is a mere nineteen, why does she think this is the end of the world? I did. This is not the point of this blog.

It was my first year at the pristine University of Puget Sound in Tacoma, Washington. I lived on the third floor of Anderson-Langdon Hall with three roomies. I think I lived with three, it might have been four. There was a lot of room swapping going on so my memory evades me. Get this, though! There were men on the floor too!

With men on the same dorm room floor as the women, it was a challenge. Men play music very loudly. They walk down hallways with towels wrapped around their waists. They watch football games in packs and yell in their loud manly voices. Thank God the bathrooms were separate. Still, it shocked me to see posted in the women's bathroom a sign that read, "If you throw up, clean it up." What? I wanted my mom and I wanted her now! She was several states away. I generously saved my throwing up for her when I returned home after taking some brutal finals.

My mum did not clean up after me, however. I was too old at that point. She told me to clean up after myself. This is still not the point of my blog.

I now return you to the top of the story. A boy broke up with me. My roomie Ruthie grabbed my sobbing sorry ass and hauled me down the hallway to talk. However, I had been studying in my lower bunk while sobbing with a halogen light placed next to the wooden bunkbed. I am guessing those have been replaced with metal by now thanks to a smart admistrator, lawyer, trial lawyer or someone. You know what is coming.

The halogen light started to burn the post which caused the smoke alarm to go off and water to spray. Oh ya, I started a fire in the dorm over a boy whose name I don't even remember. I was now in more trouble than ever. One woman in particular read me the riot act. I mean, I figured she was going to literally toss me out the third floor window and onto the quad below.

"Things are ruined! Look what you have done! You could have killed us!" Absolutely no one died because of me that night. Now I had new problems. The glares, the reputation, the humiliation.

Months later some men were visiting our campus from Whitman College in Walla Walla, Washington. I almost picked this college instead, but I thought Alison Whiteman at Whitman in Walla Walla sounded quite absurd. One introduced himself and said, "and you are....." I replied, "Alison." He said, "Alison who set the fire in the dorm room?" OMG! I was legend to the eastern part of the state! I was never ever going to get anyone to date me again! An arsonist! A freak!

I went to my usual spot on the top floor of the library, a small cubicle where I could study madly for exams at a small liberal arts college. The academic standards then were quite high. Even with a mere 3.2 GPA after my first semester, I was in the top ten percent of the incoming freshman class. I flunked halogen lightbulb common sense though. My light was not only not halogen, but not on. I sure loved learning everything I learned at The University of Puget Sound. I did not hate a single class. Well, okay, maybe philosophy. It was the only class where I literally fell asleep on my desk. The quite dull professor not only rambled on and on and on about things that bored me to tears, he dragged chalk across the board while rambling. I thought I was going to die of boredom. I got a "B" in his class as well. I am just a B. I am not an A. Wait, I am! I am Alison! -AW

Monday, February 13, 2012

Coca Cola, my addiction, and Hitting the Street Pole

She's quite slim for drinking this.
Coca Cola is addictive.

It is also true I once looked just like this model, but now you know I am lying. I have never looked like her, don't want to look like her, and quite frankly, I bet she doesn't even look like her whoever she probably isn't.

This is not the point of this blog. The following is not the point of this blog. Please do keep reading if you would like to do so.

I was addicted to Coca Cola. Without a sponsor, I am finally cleared of this addiction. The reasons for my addiction and those of millions or billions of us on this planet are quite clear.

A website http://www.fitnesstipsforlife.com/ spells the reasons for an addiction to Coca Cola.

During the first 10 minutes after drinking Coca Cola ten teaspoons of sugar hit your brain (100 percent of the daily recommended amount of sugar in your daily diet).

Twenty minutes after you drink a Coca Cola your blood sugar spikes causing an insulin outburst leading to the liver to turn that sugar into fat.

Within that same period of time, phosphoric acids bind calcium, magnesium and zinc in your lower intestine boosting your metabolism. It makes you want to pee. If you want to pee constantly, just drink this while you are permanently damaging your brain and other body parts. Coke will ultimately lead you to develop diabetes and after that you might have to have limbs removed and get on the kidney transplant list. It's a damn long list so good luck with that.

After 60 minutes you will have a sugar crash. Irritability and sluggishness set in. Now you have leached away all the water in your body because all that water was in the Coke. Since you just leeched the calcium out your body, your teeth and bones are now weakened.

However, if you have made it this far in my blog, note the event that got me to stop drinking Coke. I was driving on a hot day to get a Coke when I was not sure if I had enough change to purchase one. I looked down just long enough not to notice the "Y" in the road. I hit a post. I looked up, noted I was not injured but did not notice the post was slightly damaged. No one in all the SUVs around me even stopped to ask me if I was okay. I did not have my emergency cell phone with me and it likely would not have mattered.

That said, I drove to the nearest source of Coke and got one while a part of my car was dragging on the pavement. I drove home. I did hear in the parking lot someone utter, "Damn! Look at the chunk of her car dragging on the pavement! What the hell is wrong with her?"

I got home, called my auto insurance company and the agent and I were laughing for some reason. I got the car and pole repaired, my rate did not go up for some reason, and I stopped drinking Coke. This was pure luck. Other people are not so lucky when it comes to an addiction to anything. They just flat out die.

I finally lost some weight I had packed on to my small frame. The very bad part about that was I had given all of smaller clothes away in utter frustration over gaining those ten or so pounds during the five years I had been drinking Cokes.
Hi, my name is Alison and I have no control over my addiction to Coke. One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time I don't drink Coke. Okay sponsor, I am going to come clean. About three times a year or more I have a Coke. I don't have them daily though. I know this will not earn me a chip, and I don't bloody care. Having a sobriety chip would be one more thing to store in my house. I am extremly clean and constantly haul things I have hauled into the house right out of the house. That's just another personal issue. Whatever.

My sincere apologies to the now repaired pole. AW

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Century Link is a Corporation and a Person

Century Link, taking us back a century
My call to New York City today was a near system failure.

Century Link was once Qwest as is noted on my modem. It was a simple call. I dialed and a recorded voice said, "There is no need to dial a one before this number."

I did the right thing because I always listen to recorded telephone voices. If I answer a call from a recorded voice after a ten second delay alerting me to a fabulous new credit card offer or an opportunity to refinance our house, I am on it! Thank you to all recorded voices!

I dialed the number again and a paralegal at a Tacoma law firm answered the call. I said I had no idea how I was routed to a local law firm while trying to reach New York City.

I quickly ended this call because paralegals are slammed with too much work. There is one attorney for approximately every 250 residents in this nation. We are suing and suing and suing! Leave the paralegals alone because the trial lawyers are golfing and networking with their fraternity brothers or fishing for more lawsuits. Lawyers are people too despite what the other 249 residents of this nation might think.

I decided to call an operator. Lest you think it was an outsourced operator, it was not an outsourced operator, but an American. She said, "I am a local operator. You need to dial zero zero for a national operator." I then asked her if there is a charge for dialing zero zero." She replied, "I don't know. You will have to ask the national operator." I said, "but then I might get charged." This back and forth discussion was a bit like a international ping pong match in China.

The local operator told me to speak to her supervisor. The supervisor said she didn't think ther was a charge for dialing zero zero, but I would have to ask the national operator. I asked her why she did not know this information. She said, "I am a supervisor in a local area." Then, to be sure I asked her what company she worked for. She stumbled on her words. She was unsure. I asked her how she could go to work daily and not know who she works for. Finally she said, "Century Link." This gave me the giggles. "Oh Century Link, a compay that has knocked me off the internet more times than I can count the number of cousins in my family, you are amusing! Have a nice day!"

My attempt to call a friend in New York City was finally a success. I spoke to my once local friend about books. It was a fabulous and interesting conversation. Well, victory for me! -AW