Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Ghost Tooth

It is possible for a tooth to be happier than I am.

Men in a war
If they've lost a limb
Still feel that limb
As they did before
-Suzanne Vega

After enduring my first root canal in my entire life, I still felt that electrical shock the dentist assured me I would not feel anymore while chewing.

I was very happy to hear this after a year of avoiding using the right side of my mouth. That darn tooth! It started hurting again.

I was worried. I was becoming increasingly more upset. I wasn't smiling like the tooth to the right. Then I happened upon some information about "ghost tooth pain."

I don't want anyone to take this as medical advice. I had a serious talk with this ghost tooth. I informed it to stop behaving as if it still existed in its previous state.

I had an out loud conversation with my tooth, but not quite loud enough to startle my neighbors. I sent that tooth to proverbial time out because it is a ghost tooth. I spent over three hours with a dentist and dental assistant during this procedure following the previous dental procedure which was to place a temporary crown on said tooth.

There is nothing quite like being at the mercy of a dentist and seeing tiny bits of tooth flying all around you like the tiny sparks of light one gets when suffering an eye migraine. If you have mistaken an eye migraine for some spiritual awakening or the presence of angels around you, I'm sorry I just informed you of the real cause. Please don't drink the Koolaid.

My tooth stopped hurting the very next morning. Was it my telling the tooth to stop hurting? My therapist informs me human beings have no control. Her name is Bill W. and hence I presume my higher power is the only ones who knows for certain. -AW

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

I Lied. I Said I Want A Date. Sue Me.

If only people came with this t-shirt before you talked to them.
Dear Five Readers,

I thought I would throw myself out there into the virtual dating world only I was lying. That’s right, I was lying. I am not dating and not even interested in dating. 

I also must alert my parents, if they read this blog, that I did not throw out my personal address or real name onto some website. Relax.
This is precisely what I posted:

He's well-read, well mannered, classy and polite. He wouldn't walk into a coffee house and grab a cup before me. He would politely sit and then ask me if I wanted something.

He must be well educated. He would really take his time to get to know me. He would appreciate my wit, my intelligence and my just being. He does not spend weekends watching football games. He takes care of himself physically and eats healthy food.

He likes the outdoors, music and comedy. He appreciates independent films. Again, he was raised appropriately and is well-mannered.

The responses I received are as follow. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

“Prodigious Intellect Here” James attached his picture, informed me he just spent four months in Africa and will be publishing a book soon about his adventure. He has already written one book. “But you knew that because you’ve already read it,” he said.

Actually James, I have never heard of you.

One man sent me his picture twice with no text. The pictures are taken at different angles.

I have asked for a well-read man. Edward said he saw my ad in the “personels” and said he is a “suiter.” I am not entirely certain what a “suiter” is. I shall never find this out actually.

In response to my request for a well read man, one person simply wrote: “How about in bed?” There are some fine manners!

Josh writes, “You are young enough to meet someone without to much problem. Guys are visual and not too bright.” Josh, neither are you. Thank you for informing me my days are numbered. I must inform you of the violation of the use of "to." Go to the corner of the room right now.

Anonymous sent a lovely picture of his anatomy. I am not impressed. What does this even say about a person? I would suggest he see the film “The Cook, The Thief, His Lover and His Wife” to frighten him. Yes, someone gets cooked in this rather disturbing film.

Mark writes, “I would not expect sex until after the second date, longer than that, then you must not like sex.”

Every one of these responses leads me laugh out loud. I am now teetering on the edge of fifty and quite frankly, if this is what the world is offering me, “fugeddabudit.” –AW